Microsoft Turns Entire Building Around

Microsoft has announced that their offices in Redmond, Washington will be turning completely around. Not just metaphorically; they’re actually rotating the entire collection of buildings a full 180 degrees.

Costing millions of dollars, this endeavor isn’t cheap, so why do it?

“Well besides having just a sh*t ton of cash lying around from the success of Windows 8 and the Zune, we’re turning around just about all of our company policies on the Xbox One,” states Microsoft’s Xbox Live Director of Programming Larry Hyrb, “so why not reflect that in the biggest, most expensive way possible?”

Now it can't see you crying in shame since you'll just wrap it in a towel and put it in the closet.

Now it can’t see you crying in shame since you’ll just wrap it in a towel and put it in the closet.

Larry is referring to the Xbox One’s newfound abilities to play used games, work while offline, allow for self-publishing, and permit functionality without a Kinect being plugged in so it can’t spy on you anymore. A collection of reversals such as this led to me – and only me – to come up with the devilishly clever headline “Xbox 180.” I know, I know; I’m a genius. But I digress.

Apparently this isn’t the first time the buildings have been, like soon-to-be-broke rapper Roscoe Dash would say, “turnt.”

“We actually did something similar back in 2005,” continues Hyrb, “but instead we turned the buildings a full 360 degrees to celebrate the launch of the Xbox 360. Shockingly, no one even noticed.”

Yeah. Shocking.

Now with a headset!

Now with a headset!

Change always comes standard with its fair set of naysayers. Critics have pointed out that this “wasn’t the original vision for the building” and that it now “faces the same way as some Sony buildings.” Hyrb doesn’t seem to care.

“Microsoft is an American-based company, meaning you can do basically whatever you want,” states Hyrb.

“If companies can sell a Liquid Lap Dance here in the good ol’ U.S.A., then we can turn our buildings if we deem it necessary for our product’s growth. And like the Liquid Lap Dance, if the Xbox One doesn’t make you blow your load, you get your money back.” (Note from the editor: wut)

Ex-Microsoft President Don Mattrick was also asked for comment on his old company’s decision but he only replied that he was “trying to help a sinking ship.” Mattrick is obviously a big fisherman so his knowledge on repairing aquatic vessels must be extensive.

This must be his yacht that he's trying to fix.

This must be his yacht that he’s trying to fix.

Microsoft’s swivel on policies was for the fans but this one was strictly for the company.

“We want to be the ones deciding the flip-flopping from here on out,” concludes Hyrb, “Unless, of course, the fans don’t want us to decide. Then we’ll change.”

This new generation sure does sound like a new direction for them. This time, it’s literal.

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